domingos en I can't even fucking cap no more

getting sober has been hot

almost 4 months without getting blasted drunk, taking Olivia out, or being chaotic and hungover

but then I drank

and I understood that besides enduring a healthy lifestyle, I was also avoiding triggers

I don't want to drink because when I do I kiss and fuck and go to an unnecesarry after party with strangers

I don't want to drink because I remember all the boys I've ever loved -or all the boys that ever ditched me-

I don't want to drink because I say hello to my unhealed trauma

but then I drank

and I didn't

It's like therapy has been working after all

or maybe I have healed my relationship with alcohol to not get to the point where Olivia is out

after a year of being unapologetically chaotic, I've come to my almost 28-year-old self trying to redefine myself

I've discovered I don't like alcohol as much

maybe because it makes me fat, perhaps because it makes me numb

all my life trying to avoid my emotions until they got me

it hasn't been that bad

I refuse not to get excited about things

even the little ones:

the guy I saw at the club checking me out

my nephew's painting including me

my niece wearing the outfit that I got her

the color of the sky on a random Tuesday sunset

the smell of the beach

liking someone again

all of these that I wasn't 100% present before to appreciate them

being sober has been hot, yes

but this has also been cold

confronting my angered self has felt like -what I think addicts feel when in rehab- withdrawal

trying to connect with people outside of my brokenness

getting to know this new me at the same time as these new people are

I've mentioned this before about not being depressed or anxious anymore has made me weird myself out because of my unfound personality

being sober feels the same

I'm in the process of healing my relationship with sex, part of me that excess of alcohol ruined -again-

still learning who I am, as I'm not what I used to define myself as

I know I'm intense, I'm loud, I'm funny, I'm kind

as I know I'm socially anxious and miss my friends

maybe alcohol was cool when in your early 20s, maybe I'm too old now par00

I couldn't help but wonder, paro

tkm, grx por leerme, feel free to comment

besito de domingo de descanso,

besito de barcelona campeón,

Cath