martes de nuevo en inglés pa que duela menos

I believe that love exists

life -in my experience- has made me think that maybe it is not for me

that so-called romantic love

love is my nephews and nieces

love is my friends

love is Buenos Aires

love is my grandma

love is me on an airplane going anywhere

I've never (truly) believed I'm pretty

nice body, ok -whatever that means-

but it sure is the only repetitive compliment I get

maybe that is why I'm traumatized with that

"if I'm not pretty, I must be hot"

as if I'm only worth it if I'm either of them

what if all the guys I've ever dated cheated on me because of that?

no, no, let's not go there; I'm not THAT insecure

what if love is only for the pretty people?

what if that is the ultimate pretty privilege?

Siendo honestas, I don't think I've ever felt chosen

no, actually:

the first and only time I felt like that was when my nephew was requested to give a flower to the prettiest girl in the room (at a wedding), and he gave it to me

that is love

I think for the last couple of weeks, I've been drowning myself into the hole I've fought to get out of

Idk if it is because of the identity crisis I'm going through

is it that now that I'm not depressed, I lack personality?

or is it that I've outgrown SO MUCH when being away, and now that I'm back, there is no space for the "new" me?

OR is it all because of my last romantic relationship? O ES QUE EL LIPOMA SUCCIONÓ MI SER????

It is like I'm afraid to exist

to socialize

to share

to be vulnerable outside of the screen you are reading

I have no recollection of what "normal" is for me

is this how fucked I am? paro

I travel to the past in my dreams, trying to find me

'cause I see me in my memories

but I can't seem to reach her

I feel her when scrolling through an ex profile -ex algo or even an ex friend-

I try to capture my essence in those brief glimpses of her, but it is like I reject her

or I don't recognize her

I don't even know what I'm writing about now

maybe I can't find romantic love because it is lost in me

maybe I'm living in multiple tenses that I cannot find me

y puedo seguir

juro que esta no es yo siendo derrotada

amo el amor y sé que el amor me ama

idk about the romantic love tho'

but I find love in everything that surrounds me

except men

fuck men

besito de martes,

Cath