martes de this is not an update

I'm scared of being this conscious.

I read once: "if you're a feminist, irreligious and intentionally child-free woman, you just have to be okay with the possibility of never having long-term romantic love", and it followed by "as someone who's all 3, to even consider a relationship with a man means I'll have to pretend not to see/hear things and develop a crazy level of cognitive dissonance and that feels like a form of self harm to me".

am I supposed to ignore the feeling in my chest that makes me want to run after seeing an interaction I don't like?

am I supposed to swallow my vomit when anxiety hits?

will I have to settle with the idea that all heterosexual cis-men will be unfaithful in any way, shape, or form?

should I end things before they start?

do I have to give the benefit of the doubt -again- to another boy?

what is it with the system trying to make us (women) settle, give in, to turn our faces away?

did feminism deprive me of ever loving and committing again? nah.

being this (self) aware will scare men away? hopefully all the bad ones

again, I believe that my person exists; I just don't know if I'll recognize them with all of my armor

I don't know if I want to

I don't want to be part of the things that hurt me, therefore, I run